you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
