So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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