it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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