hotel room ftw
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
