Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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