True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
