He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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