Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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