dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
