Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
