I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
