my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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