I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
