That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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