hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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