mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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