So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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