bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
