did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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