I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
