it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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