4 words: hood of his car
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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