i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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