: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
