I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
