please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize