I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
