Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
