I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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