Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
