the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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