As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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