i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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