you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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