he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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