think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
