i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Alive.
So much puke
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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