I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
