Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
