I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
