I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Drunk is a universal language darling
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
