why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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