No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
