She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.