you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.