I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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