I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
