I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
