remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
