how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
