If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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