I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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