Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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