I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
