Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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