Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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