my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
